down

I'm feeling down today. I had a bad intestine day yesterday, my legs have been killing at night, and the PT is not going well. I have a lot of pain doing the exercises, both in and out of the pool and I've been exhausted after the pool exercise.

So far I've only gone to PT once a week since the holidays sort of disrupted the scheduling. This week will be the first time I go twice. Once today and again on Friday. If it doesn't go well, I will have to reassess whether it is worth it to continue the therapy - or at least whether it is worthwhile to continue like this. I've given myself this week as a cut off for making that decision otherwise I know I will let it play out and start doing things like canceling appointments and avoiding my out of pool exercises. I know I will do this. Knowing doesn't mean I will not do it, so it's best to take steps to avoid coming to that point.

Sounds silly but in my screwy world, it seems reasonable. After this week, I'll have had four appointments and I think I'll be able to decide if the lost time due to low energy from fatigue which is seeming to always follow is outweighed by any noticeable reduction in hip pain and increase in stability.

The therapist asked me today, as she always does, how things are going, how I'm feeling, how I felt after my last appointment. "I really don't feel very well today, I've had some pretty bad leg pain in both legs, mostly down in my ankles and up in my knees although my right thigh was killing for a couple of days this weekend. And I've been exhausted after the appointments." Her response was "Well we're really not doing much..."

And that made me feel pretty bad. I would say it pisses me off, because to be honest it does. But the pissed off is secondary. I know it is. The primary thing is that her saying that felt like she was trying to negotiate or debate the point. And that's just shitty. I told her that I realized we aren't doing much and that this makes me feel bad, feeling so tired from doing so little. This is not normal for me. I lived 33 years of my life NOT like this. I got accustomed to NOT being like this. And now I live like this and I don't like it. I added, after a moment of marching in place in the pool like a good little patient, that I also didn't like hearing that we didn't do much because I am very deeply aware of that and hearing it after I was asked how I'm feeling made me feel like a big loser for being so tired from so little.

She apologized. Pardon the pun but it was a watery apology. The apology wasn't the point so much though. I didn't think telling her how it felt would make it all better. But I did think that she should know how her off hand remark had made me feel.

So now I'm home, I'm pooped, and I've got a bit of a temp. Despite that, I'm not feeling wrecked physically - hey who knows. Maybe this time will be different and I'll not feel horrible. The temp is not a good sign though. I'm thinking that it is nice to know I don't have much to do tomorrow, but even that thought has a barb in that it leads me to consider how well I'll be able to live (let alone thrive) in a professional job with a body which is so reliably unreliable.